2mo

Dear Janek,

you're two months old today. We're laying in bed, you just ate, we're listening to Radiohead; it's your first time and you seem to enjoy it.

You're growing like a mushroom everyday. You're getting smarter, cheekier, more aware of things and people. You're beautiful. Strong. You still wake up in horror but the next thing I know is how wide you smile.

You're so happy to see me that I have to pinch myself from time to time. There's absolute, love and trust in your huge diamond eyes; it's scary, it makes me teary, it makes my days.

It was a hard month for the whole family, we've had bad days, some bad words, some tears hidden and open. But what we do here is grow, we're growing in speed up mode and we’re learning, so we can become the best possible family.

You're the bestest member, obviously, with your teeth-less smile and all. And you don't need to know that some words doesn't exist, because you are them anyway.

I'm trying to get myself sorted, too. I'm only 24, and I think to myself day by day- what am I doing here? With you?

I owe you everything and I want to give you the best days and memories and books and words and pictures and bicycles. I want to guide you through horror days and I want you to know I'm here always.

It's exciting and overwhelming, too. I'm so tired. I'm so scared I don't give you enough of things, feelings, attention. It's scary because quite frankly nobody loved me like you love me now and you are 61 days old. You're just about grown out of the ground. I have to learn how to deal with it all.

Happy 1/6th of the year. I hope we will be bigger friends everyday. Love you to bits( even if sometimes I am not understanding it all, at all).

Yours FOREVER,

Mama.